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Wednesday, 04 November 2009

Like Attracts Like

"Men suck."

"Women are crazy."

Do you hear this often in your circles?

I remember about 13 years ago, I said, "All men are jerks." Mind you, I was still in my 20s.

My friend, a male, said to me, "Do you know every man in the world to make such an assertion?"

I growled at him because I wanted sympathy, not some philosophical bullshit.

But I've found, through both experience and reading books from various philosophies and spiritualities, that the world confirms your beliefs.

In other words, if you believe that men suck, you'll only attract men who aren't the most kind. And if you believe all women are crazy, then you'll continue to attract crazy women into your life.

You can even have a gang of friends who validate your beliefs. You sit around and commiserate one another about how this person is crazy, this person is mean, or this person did you wrong. In the meantime, the world is going to continue to prove you right by bringing all these dramatic people in your life.

It's only until you change your attitude that the decent people will start showing up. Like attracts like.

On the other hand, you also have to ask yourself what YOU are doing to have these people act crazy. If you find yourself attracting crazy or dramatic people in your life, are you treating these people with the respect that you want for yourself? If you're asking yourself, "Why does this always happen to me," then ask yourself what you learned and have changed from the last time this happened.

Oftentimes it's easier to put the blame on someone else for the problems in a relationship rather than accept our part in the problem. If someone else is always the problem, then we don't have to change. However, if we don't accept our part of the problem, it's just going to crop up again in your life.

And sometimes we hang onto something that's already run its course. We want to keep some of this craziness in our lives because we have our own crazy belief that it's better than being alone and risking something new. As Marianne Williamson would say, "You want people in your life who WANT to be there, so stop trying to get people into your life who don't want to be there."

Joel Osteen put it more succinctly: "Don't put a question mark where God has put a period."

In this case, maybe you've changed, or the other person has changed, and what attracted you in the past is no longer there. Maybe you've turned over a new leaf, and that person likes your old leaf. If that's the case, let that person commiserate with the other old leaves and wait for something fresh, something new. If you've done some introspection, changed your attitude, and forgiven the person from your last relationship, you'll attract the beautiful people in life.

Because like attracts like.

Friday, 23 October 2009

Accepting Our Choices

It's interesting what happens when you get your heart broken.
Your ego goes either on the defensive or offensive. It never quite accepts what happened.
When it goes into the defensive mode, you sit there and ask yourself, "Why didn't [this person] choose me?" or "What does [she/he] have that I don't?" Then it progresses. "What's wrong with me?" or "No one will EVER love me." We feel so sorry for ourselves. We tear ourselves apart and convince ourselves we're not good enough.
The offensive mode is interesting as well. Our friends help us with this. "[He/she] doesn't deserve you," or "[He/she] isn't capable of having a normal relationship with anyone, let alone someone as wonderful and lovable as you." We tell ourselves that it's THAT person with the problem, not us. We tear the other person apart, demonize them in a way, to make ourselves feel better.
We even try to get status reports. We check the profile on MySpace and Facebook. We ask our friends if there's another person. If there is, we compare them to ourselves.
Then, of course, rather than deal with the pain, we just jump right into another relationship. Our ego seeks out someone who will pacify the insecurities if we're in the defensive mode, or to "one-up" the former lover if we're in offensive mode (this is the "I'll show HIM/HER that I'm better off with THIS person).
But what we ultimately have to do is accept our mistake and forgive ourselves for making it. We must realize that sometimes relationships don't last forever, and the chapter with this person is now over. However, there is MUCH more to this...
We made that choice with the state of consciousness we were in weeks, months, or even years ago. The experiences and circumstances brought you two together for a purpose--for the healing of the BOTH of you.
In this regard, it's not really a "mistake" as much as it is a choice that was made to heighten our awareness of something within ourselves that needed refinement or healing. The key is--we need to acknowledge and accept the suffering that resulted from this relationship, but know that there is a lesson to be learned.
This only can be done alone--with some introspection. Many people don't want to do this. They're so used to being with someone, that they fear the separation. They don't want to drop the attachment because it hurts too much. They don't want to be alone with the pain.
But the pain transforms you. You see, eventually and objectively, where you and the other person "missed the mark." You forgive that person for whatever pain they caused you, but you forgive yourself as well. You see the choices that you made, and see if you've made those choices in the past. You learn to work on those characteristics so you don't make that choice again. You shed a little more light into a dark side you might not have wanted to acknowledge in the past.
And ultimately, you'll see that the relationship did make you a better, stronger person. You rise to a new level of awareness so you don't make the choices that brought you pain ever again.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Having Standards

Recently I've found myself having to defend the fact that I have standards. It's amazing how we sometimes slip from them, though.

In the movie, "Singles", Bridget Fonda's character listed all the things she wanted in a man. She later just said, "Now I'm just looking for someone to say 'Bless you' when I sneeze."

But there's a difference between desirable characteristics and standards.

Here are some of my standards, or my relationship "don'ts":

1. Don't date someone who's in a relationship with someone else. If it's "right", then that person will end the relationship with the other person well before the relationship starts with you. Besides, can you really trust someone who's cheating? The relationship started on a lie, and you're lying to yourself if you think it can go anywhere but south from there.

2. Don't maintain a relationship with someone who cheated on you, or you know has cheated in the past. This goes back to #1--"once a cheater, always a cheater." I know there are many exceptions to this--a one-night slip-up might occur, and there could be hope for that relationship if the problems that led to the mistake are communicated and resolved. However, if the "other" is still in your someone's life, even as a "friend", you know it will happen again.

3. Don't date someone who has recently ended a relationship. I don't care how long they've been separated. That person needs to work on the issues and the pain from that relationship before he/she can have a healthy relationship. Besides, you're just a rebound. It might be exhilarating to get so much attention, but you're just a transitional person.

4. Don't date someone because you're afraid to be alone. If you don't want to be alone, you're hiding something deep inside that you don't want to deal with. And nothing can be hidden for long.
5. Don't date someone with an addiction. As Dr. Phil would say, "Your house doesn't have 12 steps." This person is very good at convincing you that you're the "only person" who understands them. You feel so good because you feel that you're needed. You feel so confident that you're the person who can save them. But ultimately, this person will choose the addiction over you.
6. Don't allow anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. If you find yourself always trying to defend yourself or your way of life, that's a warning sign. This person wants to weaken you because they feel weak about themselves. Ditch this person and find someone who supports you, and accepts your flaws, not condescends you for them.
7. Don't leave your friends and family. Your friends and family were with you before, and if they know and love you, they sometimes see things you might not. They notice if you're acting differently as a result of the relationship. If you find yourself consumed in the relationship to the point you don't have time for your friends and family, you're isolating yourself and setting yourself up for manipulation and attachment.
8. Don't date someone who doesn't share your values. If you don't know what your values are, don't date until you do.

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Toxic Relationships

We don't like it when someone holds a mirror to our actions and ourselves. But it's sometimes what we need to grow into a better person.

I recently called out someone because I didn't appreciate some of the "jokes" he and his friend made. Although he tells me his intention was to joke, I still found it disrespectful. He didn't see it this way--how he offended me. I told him that I hated having to defend myself at times, or at least feeling less of myself because of what they said.

But of course, I realized that was my fault. No one can make you feel less of yourself unless you let them. As Dr. Phil would say, "You teach people how to treat you." I had to look in the mirror and realize this "friendship" was getting toxic.

I recently heard about a woman who used to leave her kids alone at night and sleep at another guy's house. She would leave him in the morning, and then his girlfriend would come over. Did she really have such little respect for herself that he would leave his girlfriend for her, especially since he cheated on his wife with his girlfriend? But she let it go on. She allowed him to make her "the other woman" because she was afraid to be alone.

It's better to be alone with your dignity than to be with someone who's going to make you feel less of yourself.

Some people really know what buttons to press to get a reaction out of us. Now, sometimes this is good, but sometimes it's bad.

In the good sense, this can be someone who loves us who is seeking to bring out the best in us. They aren't pushing our buttons to benefit themselves, they're doing it to inspire us to better ourselves.

In the bad sense, this is someone who doesn't love him or herself and is seeking to pacify the pain within themselves through you. They prey upon our insecurities. They push our buttons to push us down, if we let them. And we know when we're down, we're most vulnerable to manipulation.

During my conversation with this man, I could feel him going on the offensive, and myself going on the defensive. I told him that, and that it was an example of what I was talking about. Then I put the suggestion out there: "Is this how you handle all of your conversations with women?" He didn't like that I was holding the mirror.

He eventually walked away. Rather than panic or try to get in the last word, I let him walk away. I didn't try to resolve things, mostly because he really doesn't see his own wrongdoing. In that case, there's really nothing you CAN say. It's like beating a dead horse. As Dr. Phil would also say, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."

Sometimes it's better to allow someone to "win" an argument. Wayne Dyer says, "Do you want peace, or do you want to be right?"

I know there are a lot of unresolved issues within him, but that's between him and God to resolve. I tried to address the issue between us, even though I know deep down it's connected with his deep-seated issues, but it's not the right time for him to face those issues.

As for me, I have to see my own wrongdoing. All this made me aware of my own insecurities and how they make me vulnerable. I need to work on that. It also tells me about my pride. Often my ego tells me that I need to be right, or that I need to get in the last word. My ego sometimes tells me that I need to hold on toxic friendships because I have the power to change that person. Talk about a delusion of grandeur!

So for now I'll just pray for him. I certainly can't do anything about getting him to face reality EXCEPT just pray for him. God will take care of the rest when the time is right.

And I also have to pray for myself, that the next time I see a relationship growing toxic, I will walk away first.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

Remembering Molly

There are few women in this world whom I can say I truly admire. Molly was one of them.

The first weekend I moved to Lakeland, I attended Mass at Church of the Resurrection. Molly came in just after me and sat in front of me. At the beginning of Mass, when we're asked to greet one another, she turned and introduced herself. I immediately admired her great spiritual energy. She had this magnificent presence about her. I knew she was someone I needed to know better.

I got to know her better in our Sunday bible study. She was never afraid to question. She was never afraid to challenge others. I was always impressed with her ideas. These weren't ideas taught to her by the Vatican or by the so-called "brainwashing" of organized religion.

Her ideas, her passion for God, her great spiritual presence were all inspired by love. Molly truly lived her Catholic faith. She preached her faith not by words, but by her love.

A few months ago, I had been dealing with a personal issue, and it came to a peak just before I had to go to church one evening. During Mass, I struggled to fight back the tears. I had prayed during Mass for God to send me consolation. Molly saw me after Mass and asked me for a ride home. At first I had pretended nothing was wrong, but people who know me well can read me like a book. The minute she got into my car, I completely lost it. I could barely drive back to her house because I was crying so hard.

As I told her my story, I found that she suffered through some of the same issues. In fact, she suffered though much more. She also reminded me of the strong, independent woman she knew me to be. She said, "This doesn't sound like the Beth that I know. You're better than this, and you deserve much better. Don't you ever forget that. Don't settle for less than you deserve."

Molly had been battling cancer for years. Many people who are sick or have something troubling their lives will let it dampen their spirit. They become identified with their problems rather than seek solutions or look beyond the problems. Rather than walk around with bitterness, Molly took great care in consoling others in their problems.

She insisted not be considered a cancer victim. She saw herself as a "woman who has cancer." She never wanted to be identified with her physical illness. She wanted people to know that cancer never truly owned her. God did.

God brought her home last week.

I know she found peace in her life, but now she's finally at rest. Molly's strong spirit still lives in my heart. She might never know how much she inspired me, but I'll always echo her words:

"Don't settle for less than you deserve."